from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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