Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
