Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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