About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
