Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
