Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize