is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I touched a dick in church today
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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