Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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