my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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