...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Floor bacon is actually really good
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
