never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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