I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
