Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
