Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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