my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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