$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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