Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize