i wish there were pregnant emoticons
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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