she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
