yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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