The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
