The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
