My Higher Power is John Stamos
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
