I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
