Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
