We won't sleep together?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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