Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
