By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize