I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize