Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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