You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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