Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Hello my rib-scented angel!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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