Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
