the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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