I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize