the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
