why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
send nudes
from the living room?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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