Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
