Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
