The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I need a beard to bite.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
