I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
she told me i tasted like america
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
