Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
