His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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