The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
