What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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