Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
