I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
