i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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