shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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