I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
