As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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