she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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