the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
