I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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