yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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