69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
